Reminder to self

Tevi's wondering what he did to deserve these people as siblings

As I sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office yesterday, awaiting my six-week postpartum check-up, I realized that had I still been working full time, I would be going back to work around now. I felt my stomach turn at the thought.

Though in many ways, it would be much easier and convenient to take my kids to daycare while I was alone sitting in front of a computer using my brain and talking to adults when I wanted to, earning money all the while, it would not be easier on my heart strings.

I have not erased from my memory the tugs at those strings when visiting my kids at daycare on my lunch break. Seeing Ame toddle over to me for a hug with a huge grin on her face, watching Makai sleep peacefully with his rosy cheeks and sweaty head, or eating lunch with them and reading a book afterwards. At the time I felt I would give anything to be able to spend the day with them. Sometimes I would walk back to my office with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart. Being a full-time mother was my one true desire.

If I had to be working, which I did, then I couldn't think of a different situation I'd rather be in: I had the greatest job, the best boss, and a wonderful daycare situation (really, my kids are no worse for the wear). But I was determined to stay home with the next baby, and I'm glad that I am here. I'm thankful to my husband for working hard to be able to make this possible. I know I'll have to go back to work at some point, however, so I'm trying to enjoy my days at home while I can.

I've said before that I'm not very good at being a stay-at-home mom, and it's more difficult in many ways than I had anticipated, but this is where I need to be. I don't have a salary, but when Ame's observations about life make me laugh, or Makai encourages me with a hug when I'm feeling frustrated, I'm reassured that this is where my joy is.

I'm off to tackle the to-do list while kids are in school, but I wanted to remember how I am feeling. I'll kiss my precious sleeping baby before I do anything, though.

And just for my viewing pleasure, a little trip down daycare memory lane:

Ame eating her lunch (look at those little chairs!)

"Reading" a book. No hair.

Can you see Makai back there? Doing the actions to "I'm Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee."

Little Makai excited to go outside for a ride in the wagon. That hair!